Esther Perel wants married couples to have more sex: she says passion after reading Mating in Captivity, the unnerving book written by the. The Central Paradox of Love: Esther Perel on Reconciling the and writer Esther Perel explores in Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic. Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, , available at Book Depository with free delivery worldwide.
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One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains daptivity it takes to bring lust home. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire.
Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, esthre, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is matung sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.
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Preview — Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic by Esther Perel. Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the c One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex.
Hardcoverpages. Published September 5th by Harper first published To see what your friends thought of this book, please sign up. To matung other readers questions about Mating in Captivityplease sign up. When is part 2 coming out? See 1 question about Mating in Captivity….
Lists with This Book. May 01, kareem rated it it was amazing. If you’re in a long-term relationship, or ever want to be in one, you must read this book. It tells you how to have the security, stability, comfort, etc that are requirements for a healthy a LT relationship while at the same time creating the uncertainty, mystery, and risk that are requirements for passion.
The author is a therapist in NY and draws on cases to illustrate her points. It’s engaging, the topic is fascinating, and Perel has some refreshingly smart suggestions for maintaining or rec If you’re in a long-term relationship, or ever want to be in one, you must read this book. It’s engaging, the topic is fascinating, and Perel has some refreshingly smart suggestions for maintaining or recapturing eroticism in relationships.
Note that this book probably won’t resonate with everybody: As an um firm believer that if people had better sex lives, the world would be a happier place, take my advice: Apr 09, Jeffrey rated it liked it. Reconciling Cliche and Popular Sociology On a crowded bus last week, my eight year old son couldn’t help but inquire about the title of Esther Perel’s debut book, “Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. In the pages that follow, a cast of stereotypical characters her clients is rolled out for the reader while the soothsayer herself dispenses meaning to truth.
The writing is airy, and even at times elegant, but sadly only rarely achieves the intensity that the topic deserves. Throughout, it’s never quite clear whether this is a legitimate self-help manual or a series of slightly tawdry, Springeresque sketches. My own sensibilities would have preferred the author to engage in a more rigorous analysis of both the psychology and the anthropology attendant in the complexity of sexual relations within semi permanent relationships-in other words more Barthes, de Beauvoir, and Fisher-and less emphasis on the self-selected and voyeurized accounts of Alan, Adele, Zoe, Naomi, and Jed, among others.
The book was not without its highlights, however. Using romantic love as a measure to assess long-term compatibility, we create unreasonable expectations about the role of passion in providing the sustenance of permanency; expectations that can hardly be met by the self as an emotion-laden being, let alone by the self as orchestrated by a never ending series of neuro-chemical carbon-based reactions. In another section, Perel usefully describes the limitations of the spoken word in the pursuit of everlasting sexual bliss.
Her advice on the matter? I’m reminded here of a passage from Monica Ali’s Brick Lane: He was not mired in words. He did not talk and talk until he was not certain of anything. Yet, agree or disagree, it defies convention regarding the constitution of stable and happy relationships.
Finally, a subsequent chapter on monogamy convincingly points out that despite the breakdown of many sexual taboos in our society homosexuality, premarital sex, birth control Americans remain steadfastly committed to monogamy as a singular ideal within all types of relationships.
During a recent conversation with a friend and colleague who is very open and accepting of alternative sexualities and is generally unflinchingly supportive of the goals of the American cultural left, the issue of monogamy and politics arose. And despite her predilection for progressive thought, she quickly staked out well trodden normative terrain, saying that “any man who cheats on his wife is a complete dirtbag.
More often than illuminating, however, the content was repetitive and replaceable. While easy to find humor in chapters explaining how democratic politics have left Eros limp and how the protestant work ethic leaves no room for eroticism, the anecdotal cases kept emerging even when their application felt forced.
Perel did include a limited number of same sex couples along the way, but they were treated as synonymous with more traditional relationships and their explanatory power was thus limited. Perhaps most bothersome was the condescension displayed towards her subjects; both those in the first degree, her clients, and those in the second, her readers.
Her own cosmopolitanism the Belgian daughter of holocaust survivors, educated in Israel and practicing professionally in Manhattan often seemed needlessly dismissive of American cultural mores pertaining to sex and intimacy. And lest we hope that American therapists can remedy the situation, Perel says not a chance: She took strong exception to their inability to fathom the complexity of fantasy and play within loving relationships, while stressing her own embrace of such matters.
Though admitting her “relative outsider” status and using it to glean myriad insights into American culture, her narrative paradoxically contains herself within that very collective identity. But often, at least for this reader, the aloofness drew me away from her arguments.
I suspect that many of her readers will find such tones similarly off putting. Additionally, many of the situations in which she described her heroic interventions were candidly patronizing.
The distinction between worthwhile social science and personal advertisement copy was never very clear. Overall, this was a thought provoking but flawed book. With it’s cherry red cover, half clad torsos, and provocative titular vocabulary, it wasn’t always the most pleasant book to read in crowded places.
The looks, especially from those of the female persuasion felt vaguely piteous. And while some of the ideas contained within are worth thinking about, I will probably only recommend it to a few of my Red State friends, for its shock value alone.
Otto, March 18, The author is a European, kink-and-alternative-lifestyle-friendly relationship therapist. It was quite refreshing to have her non-judgmental viewpoint on most issues of sexuality.
She maintains throughout the book that in order to develop intimacy between two people, there needs to be some separateness. Which is a problem in this American society where our mate is supposed to be everything to us. There’s a struggle in finding another person erotic and sexy when there’s too much comfort and secur The author is a European, kink-and-alternative-lifestyle-friendly relationship therapist.
No sex please, we’re married
There’s a struggle in finding another person erotic and sexy when there’s too much comfort and security. She supports her claims by providing case studies of her clients, whose information has been made anonymous. She’ll outline their problems, help them examine them in depth and then try to guide them toward a solution without making a moral issue of their behaviors, actions or desires.
She has some great ideas all around, especially when it comes to the fact that sexual fantasies are absolutely nothing like any other non-sexual fantasies and daydreams people have. With a typical daydream, you fantasize about what you want. A sexual fantasy is not so straightforward. I was a bit troubled when I got to her brief chapter on non-monogamy. Though she doesn’t seem opposed to it, she also strikes me as alarmingly supportive of monogamy, or at least emotional monogamy.
Those bits aside, I found it a thoughtful and helpful book, confirming a lot of conclusions I’d long ago made about sex and intimacy.
May 24, Emily Jane rated it did not like it. I wanted this to be the answer to the last couple of fights I’ve had with my partner. The subtitle is “Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic”, and so I’d hoped that this would help me understand why it is we fight with the one we love most, and how to prevent real problems before they happen.
This is, after all, what the book promises to do. But, unfortunately, it really falls short. Because while the author gives numerous anecdotal accounts of how this couple or that was able to reignite the f I wanted this to be the answer to the last couple of fights I’ve had with my partner.
Because while the author gives numerous anecdotal accounts of how this couple or that was able to reignite the flame of passion in their relationship, she fails to lay out any sort of plan for the reader to follow.
Mating in Captivity : Esther Perel :
For instance, she offers up the tale of how attending a yearly swingers’ weekend in Vegas has permitted one couple to cheat on each other within a specific context and parameters, which for them puts an end to their desires to cheat in real life the rest of the year. It’s lovely that this couple has harnessed the power of infidelity, but what ca;tivity those of us who value monogamy and, um, our dignity? She encourages the reader to consider that there is always a third party in captuvity monogamous relationship: That is to say, by choosing your partner you are implicitly rejecting everyone else.
Yet having the same old spouse night after night – and balancing a busy life with a career, a home, and possibly children to captivjty after – can get old, Perel claims, and make the Other, the Third, seem more and more appealing.
Harness that interest, she recommends, and use it to infuse a sense of newness into the marriage: Furthermore, Perel asserts captkvity the very act of living together and growing in intimacy actually locks out the possibility for the erotic. Not unlike the concept of the Third, she discusses the effect that knowing too much about one person can decrease the thrill of knowing more and increase the excitement level mting getting to know another. She recommends that the reader take time to evaluate one’s marriage and one’s own personal needs to decide what might be a way to spice up the marriage.
She even has a brief exercise for doing so, but offers little in the way of real guided introspection. In the end, I was left with many of the same questions I went in with.
No revelation, no cultural insight on monogamy, and very little help at esthher. View all 8 comments.